All I Want For Christmas? No, the answer is not you. It’s for a Christmas that’s not so overly saturated with Mariah Carey, Wham!, The Pogues, Band Aid, and Michael Buble. Christmastime may have stopped in this country in the nineties when Mariah Carey released Merry Christmas (1994), but I’ve always believed in living through my own narrative separate from the real world and that narrative is a Mariah Carey at Christmas free zone. “All I Want For Christmas”, “Last Christmas”, and “The Fairytale of New York” are all great, but after hearing it 100 plus times by December 25th, haven’t we all lost our festive spirit just a little? If like me you are a modern day Ebeneezer Scrooge who is tired of being spoon fed Michael Buble’s nauseating takeover of the festive season, then I may have the perfect remedy for you in the shape of 13 alternative Christmas classics. Magic Christmas may not have got round to playlisting them quite yet, but I’m sure they’ll warm the festive cockles of your heart all the same – and you don’t even have to resort to Noddy Holder yelling “IT’S CHRIIIIIISTTTTTMAAAAAS!”.
DISCLAIMER: I may have thrown in an extra little surprise at the end just to get you in the mood even more.
S Club 7 – Perfect Christmas
Over time, S Club 7’s “Never Had a Dream Come True” has become an unofficial Christmas classic thanks to the song’s accompanying music video which features the group inside their very own snow globe fantasy. Appearing across Christmas compilations and radio station playlists galore, “Never Had a Dream Come True” has become just as much part of the festive furniture as other non-holiday related favourites like “2 Become 1” by the Spice Girls and “Stay Another Day” by East 17, but the group have had their very own ode to the festive season lurking under the tree just waiting to be overplayed by the masses. “Perfect Christmas” actually appeared as the B-side to “Never Had a Dream Come True” and has all the trimmings of a classic Christmas pop standard. Its feature in the S Club Christmas special should have helped this song go down in history like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Instead, it has been left untouched like a bowl of soggy brussel sprouts at a Christmas Day feast. Shameful!
The Water Babies – Under The Tree
Let’s face it, the Christmas season is just an advantageous holiday dreamed up by the corporate fat cat’s of the world to line their pockets with even more dough over the winter months. So really, writing a festive themed jingle with the intentions of lending it to a big business to promote their Christmas campaign is the only song to perfectly encapsulate the mood and spirit of the season. That is exactly what The Water Babies did with “Under the Tree”, a fluttery, wide eyed slice of optimistic pop that helped promote Vodafone during the Christmas of 2005. It may have limped into the charts at #27, but I have immortalised it for the past couple of years as a regenerated Christmas classic like it deserves to be. It may be the group’s only charting single, but why bother trying to follow up such utter perfection? They will forever live on cosmically as the greatest Christmas one hit wonder of all time.
The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping
New wave doesn’t exactly scream Christmas cheer, but Ohio hipsters The Waitresses managed to put their very own stamp on the holiday season with “Christmas Wrapping”, a blasé and irreverant ode to the 25th of December. “Christmas Wrapping” has become one of those Christmas songs that people know, without really knowing anything about it. Everyone from the Kylie Minogue to The Saturdays to Kate Nash to the Spice Girls have put their own spin on it, while shows like The Gilmore Girls and Gavin & Stacey have featured the song during Christmas specials, but despite its instantly recognisable chorus, it is still yet to capture the nation’s feverish spirit like other hits from the decade have. Whether it’s Mel C and Emma Bunton rapping about Tesco or The Waitresses original, the run up to the holidays is never really complete for me without this being added to the top of my Christmas playlist. It’s easily one of the best holiday tunes ever recorded.
Kelly Clarkson – Underneath The Tree
One of my seasonal moans is that artists nowadays don’t do enough to create their own Christmas classic. It’s a difficult task trying to crack the nut that allows an artist to live forever through royalty cheques funded by lyrics that combine the sound of Christmas bells with sentimental lyrics about snow, gifts, and children’s cheer, but isn’t it worth trying knowing your retirement might be that little bit plusher if you get the song right? Around two to three modern artists throw their holiday albums out every year, with most of them being hastily glued together with covers of “White Christmas”, “Santa Baby”, and a few originals here and there that aren’t perfectly utilised during the album’s promotional campaign. Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped In Red (2013) was the exception and its lead single, “Underneath the Tree”, is easily the decade’s greatest attempt at creating a new holiday masterpiece with its Phil Spector style production that helped it sound instantly timeless. It’s a shame that it hasn’t quite become the Christmas classic it deserves to be, but who knows, we might be talking about this in twenty years like we do about Mariah’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. I wait for that day patiently.
Darlene Love – A Marshmallow World
From one Spector inspired tune to the original itself. Phil Spector may be incredibly problematic in a number of ways, but that man and his “Wall of Sound” know how to master a Christmas anthem. Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift For You (1963) is my yearly booster of Christmas spirit that turns me from Ebeneezer Scrooge to…well, Ebeneezer Scrooge after being visited by all three ghosts within the first few seconds of the album’s opener from Darlene Love. I could have made a full list dedicated to each and every one of the songs from this album being an underrated classic, but it’s the original Queen of Christmas herself, Darlene Love with “A Marshmallow World”, that gets top billing on this list as it doesn’t get half the affection it deserves for co-inventing Christmas Day. More festive than Cliff Richard roasting chestnuts on an open fire.
No Doubt – Oi To The World
Gwen Stefani may be pitching her very own solo Christmas record in 2017, but before there was You Make It Feel Like Christmas (2017), there was “Oi To The World”, a rebel anthem that combined everything distinctively brilliant about No Doubt’s Californian take on British ska with some added festive flair in the shape of some much needed Christmas bells. It’s far from your traditional trip down Santa Claus Lane, but it’s still the perfect antidote to all the sickly sweet tales of love spun to us over the month of December. If God came down on Christmas Day to see that Gwen Stefani hasn’t re-recorded for “Oi To The World” for her solo Christmas record, I know exactly what he’d say and all.
Ariana Grande – Love Is Everything
Ariana Grande has been plagued with comparisons to Mariah Carey throughout her short career, but the comparison is no more noticeable than at this time of year. Why? Well, Mariah has staked her claim as the new Queen of Christmas, but with two Christmas collections under her belt and her very own up-and-coming Christmas classic (“Santa Tell Me”, named the fifth most streamed holiday song in the world for 2017) charting around the world for the fourth year, Ariana Grande is truly coming for that Queen of Christmas crown. “Love Is Everything” is the middle child of Ariana’s Christmas collection. Often forgotten and not often given the praise or attention it deserves. I’m here for you though, “Love Is Everything”. You’re my favourite.
Lady Gaga – Christmas Tree
Much like Gwen Stefani, Lady Gaga forgot her roots upon the release of her A Very Gaga Holiday EP in 2011, when she took her first venture into the jazz arena with classic arrangements of “Orange Colored Sky” and “White Christmas”. Not exactly groundbreaking. But one can only hope that Gaga would one day return to the electro-pop sound that made her famous for a collection of robotic Christmas beats. This is yet to happen, but at least we still have “Christmas Tree”, a festive electronic jamboree banger that interpolates holiday classic “Deck The Halls” and spreads Christmas cheer quicker than the Queen giving her annual speech on the back of Santa’s sleigh.
Girls Aloud – Not Tonight Santa
After becoming the second girl group in UK Chart History to score a Christmas number one single, Girls Aloud made a go of replicating the Spice Girls’ success of consecutive Christmas chart glory. With the release of both “Jump (For My Love)” and “I’ll Stand By You” in the run up to the Christmas season, Girls Aloud didn’t quite match up to the Spice’s success. But in 2005, the tides were once again changing and with a collection of Christmas favourites at their disposal on the Christmas edition of their third studio album, Chemistry (2005), Girls Aloud were aiming for the number one spot once more. Instead of releasing their underrated Christmas classic, “Not Tonight Santa”, they opted for the banal “See The Day” as their Christmas cash-in. It didn’t go to number one and the reason is, I imagine, that the British public wanted “Not Tonight Santa” instead. A fair point well made.
The Hives & Cyndi Lauper – A Christmas Duel
A Christmas duet between a husky voiced male singer and an eccentric female singer who trade barbs at one another over a Jingle Bell-esque arrangement. Sounds like “The Fairytale of New York”. Only with more expletives and vulgarity. Swedish group The Hives team up with 80’s superstar Cyndi Lauper may have gone unnoticed by everyone outside of Sweden, but with lyrics like “I bought no tree this year, and I slept with your brother/I wrecked your daddy’s car, and went down on your mother”, this should have gone down in the history books as one of the world’s go-to Christmas favourites. Or at the very least, given The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl a year off from offending the Twitter-sphere with their lyrical content.
Bo Selecta – Proper Crimbo
Picture this. It’s Christmas 2003. You’re setting up your EyeToy that you’ve got from Santa, the Christmas chart blaring in the background, with all the Malteasers from the family box of Celebrations tucked away in your room to make sure no one else nicks them. Life is good. Until you discover that the year’s massive chart countdown has only placed Leigh Francis’ Bo Selecta at number four instead of number one. Your Craiiiiig Daviiiid impression that you were going to roll out in front of the family after dinner is now tinged with sadness, not only because “Proper Crimbo” hasn’t went to number one, but “Mad World” from Donnie Darko has instead. The world is suddenly a darker place and from then, you are forced to grow up fast and face the harsh reality that Christmas is actually a pile of shit! Oh well. At least Pop Idol aren’t number one.
Blink 182 – I Won’t Be Home For Christmas
There are literally thousands of rock Christmas songs doing the rounds on alternative Christmas playlists and compilations that are yet to get the attention they deserve. If you’re a punk fan, then there’s the undeniably catchy and Sex Pistol reference laden “(It’s Gonna Be A) Punk Rock Christmas” by The Ravers. Or if you’re a fan of glam rock, then there’s The Darkness’ 2003 revival with “Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End)” that’s sure to get everyone singing their lungs out at the office Christmas party. One of the most prolific, however, is Blink 182’s “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas”. With a small cult following, this track combines everything great about the group with a festive sensibility. It’s about time that this track’s cult following grew into an all round world takeover.
Maria Mena – Home For Christmas
There were many songs I considered adding in to round off this list. I thought of Mary J. Blige and Angie Martinez’s “Christmas in the City” for the hip-hop fan in me and I also thought of Dolly Parton’s “Hard Candy Christmas” for the version of me who has a soft spot for country music. But my final decision was “Home for Christmas” by Danity Kane, a snap infused R&B anthem of love for the holiday season. That’s when I rediscovered this beautiful tearjerker by Norwegian singer-songwriter, Maria Mena, by the same name. Upon reading the Official Charts article about the most streamed holiday songs across the world, I thought of how huge this song is in the singer’s native Norway, where it has received a top ten placement every year since its release in 2010. It’s slowly picking up steam around the world as it too finds itself being added to countless Spotify and Apple Music playlists every year, so who knows, this time next year it could be a worldwide holiday favourite and not just a Norwegian one. It truly deserves its place in the holiday song hall of fame!
Fiona Apple – Trump’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire
To round everything off, it just felt compulsory to include Fiona Apple’s hot political take on “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire” from 2016. If there’s one thing that can unite the world this Christmastime (or liberals at the very least), it’s an unwavering hatred of Donald J. Trump. All I really want for Christmas is an official version of this, because it would most certainly be added to my Christmas playlists year in, year out. Cheers to that, Trumpy!
– TheScocialNetwork
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